I can’t believe this year is nearly over. I can’t believe just how fast the hours, days, weeks and months fly by and I don’t seem to feel as if I’ve achieved anything apart from learning how to pack boxes and move very quickly.
I’m trying to remain positive but I’m finding it very hard. We moved to a farm that is very isolated and there are days when I don’t see another living soul except my dog and husband. And whilst the area is very pretty it’s also very lonely. I miss not having neighbours to chat with and I miss the beach where we were before. I miss not being able to just pop and see friends and family. AND I know what you’re all thinking – get out and make friends - which is good advice, but it does take time to find quilt or craft groups or a group I want to join and then when I’ve joined and made a few friends the other half gets disgruntled with his job and wants to leave.
There don’t seem to be very many jobs about up here but I keep looking. I actually feel as if my life has no real purpose at the moment. I’m not needed by anyone on a daily basis and I just feel redundant. I know I am going to have to try and alter the way I think about my life otherwise I could quite easily slip into a dark depression and I’m not that way inclined and refuse to walk that path.
The house we have moved into is also so cold it’s unreal. This doesn’t help my Raynaud's disease at all. I’ll have to get creative in my efforts to stay warm.
BUT to top it all, the husband has already said he wants to move on as he doesn’t like it here. I’ll be honest, farmers are a funny breed. Full of bullshit and lies but I really don’t think I can keep this moving lark up for much longer, in fact I have had enough. I really don’t think my OH knows just how much this moving around affects me. I really want to put down roots and call one place home. I’m actually not sure he really cares what effect it has on me but we’ll see.
After Christmas I am going to get some rescue chickens, at least I’ll have those to look after daily. A far cry from being an Adult and Further Education teacher that I was when I first met Ian eight years ago. I feel as if I’ve been dumbed down. Whether this is intentionally or not I don’t know. One thing is for sure 2013 will be very different even if it means I have to go it alone.
I’m not trying to be depressing here I’m just trying to make sense of how I feel right now and see if I can turn my life around and stay positive in a world that feels like it’s falling apart.
Teabag over and out.